CODEPENDENCY IS A TERM much-used in our psycho-therapeutically permeated first-world cultures. The tone is pejorative. The inference is one of being in a relationship that takes too much energy. The dependent is assigned the role of victim, which then leads backwards to a pre-suppositional latent assumption that there is a right to break the relationship. In marriage, this is the moving force that enculturalized the permissive western view of no-fault divorce. In business, the loopholes of contracts become more actionable than the prime intent—a millennia-old ideal of honesty is deliberately overlooked for personal advantage. Cervantes’ maxim, *“An honest man’s word is as good as his bond,” is shrugged off as a quaint ideal from an unsophisticated earlier age.
Although there are reasons why relationships rupture and need redress, scripture deals with these matters differently, and does so from their inception. It calls them vows, and informs that we are free to make them, but best made after careful consideration. The wisdom of Solomon’s proverbs still guides well. “Give careful thought to the paths for your feet.” (Prov. 4:26), is not simply about choosing a physical path to a desired destination; it is an analogy for making wise decisions. “The one who has knowledge uses words with restraint.” (Prov. 17:27), is guidance about thinking before speaking. More to our earlier point regarding codependency, Solomon warns “Whoever puts up security for a stranger will surely suffer, but whoever refuses to shake hands in pledge is safe.” (Prov. 11:15)
Blessed are we when scripture informs our worldview and choices before we make them. Many a disastrous marriage, many a bankrupting business decision, many unwise associations, could be avoided entirely by taking seriously Paul’s advice in advance. “Do not be yoked together with unbelievers.” (2 Cor. 6:14a) It is well to note, and mark well, that this is immediately followed by “For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?” (2 Cor. 6:14b) These thoughts from Paul are not separate from a consistent theme from him. Underlying these prohibitions and inferred actions, whether they produce negative or positive outcomes, is a particular principle that should guide all relationships. “Do not be misled: ‘Bad company corrupts good character.’” (1 Cor. 15:33)
How many of us have greatly rued the words of our hastily-made vows? An acquaintance asks something of us that infers a deeper level of association, and in a moment we commit to a responsibility that implies a deep level of friendship and mutually implied support. A friendly relationship with an opposite-gender attraction is hastened past character and mutually shared interests to a commitment of love. Eros is conflated with or confused as agape, and binds us to the intimate and complex layers of interaction and dependency that are part of such relationships.
Solomon offers advice about correcting, or initiating recovery from, hasty decisions. The counsel comes in the form of a principle of remediating action that we must take in the context of our individual circumstances; the principle is to act quickly and decisively and proportionately to the risk. “My son, if you have put up security for your neighbor, if you have shaken hands in pledge for a stranger, you have been trapped by what you said, ensnared by the words of your mouth. So do this, my son, to free yourself, since you have fallen into your neighbor’s hands: Go—to the point of exhaustion—and give your neighbor no rest! Allow no sleep to your eyes, no slumber to your eyelids. Free yourself, like a gazelle from the hand of the hunter, like a bird from the snare of the fowler.” (Prov. 6:1-5)
There are relationships that may endanger our soul, and there are relationships that can kill our spirits. They are all best avoided; not every shiny object belongs on our curio shelf. Most of us learn these things through bitter trials, while some look more deeply at potential outcomes related to choice and weigh risk and reward by uncommonly wise standards.
There are relationships that are beneficial and life-giving to soul and spirit; these are well-worth every consideration and effort to obtain and maintain. There is one relationship in this latter realm that is worth our every effort, one that is made for not only a lifetime, but for eternity. It is that relationship that will bring unbounded energy to the others. Jesus phrased it this way: “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. Love your neighbor as yourself.” (Matt. 22:37-39) And, there is another thing that he said, something that will help us when we consider making vows that make us codependent to others. “All you need to say is simply ‘Yes’ or ‘No;’ anything beyond this comes from the evil one.” (Matt. 5:37)
Q. Do I carefully consider my ‘Yes’ before it crosses my lips?
*Attributed to Miguel de Cervantes, author of ‘Don Quixote’ – 1605.
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